Christmas On The Nautilus

Twas the night before Christmas, and our dear lady's crew
Were asleep, but the poor League had nothing to do
They'd got Quartermaine back and he was alright
(But with stories to tell that could turn your hair white)
The world wasn't in peril, all was safe and at peace
But quite frankly 'twas boring, to those folk at least

In their separate quarters the oddballs all lay
Awaiting the dawn of a bright Christmas Day
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter
Allan sprang from his bed to see what was the matter
Away to the portal he flew like a flash
Fumbled, but finally opened the latch
The moon on the waves set the water aglow
And made an iceberg of the pale ship below
Suddenly…there was the strange sound again!
The great hunter looked up as once more came the strain
Of wood against metal; then, before his eyes
Some dark shape lit onto the deck so nearby!

Then Quartermaine ran, for he'd seen such before
Clearly some wretch wanted to sneak onboard!
Through the corridors now, as fast as a flick
Shouting, "Intruders, intruders! Get up; come quick!"
This was the signal the others desired
Adding fuel to their adventurous fires
And each freaky darling was up in a trice
Preparing to battle with something not nice

Assembled they all on the bridge of the ship
Acting on Allan's not-so-anonymous tip
Ready for action each League member stood
In a lineup quite fearsome for people so good
Skinner was naked, so no-one quite knew
Where exactly he was, but his presence was true
Jekyll was missing; in his place there stood Hyde
Casting appreciative glances to Mina at his side
The vampire was eager, with her daggers at hand
(She'd not fed for a week, since the ship last saw land)
And Sawyer and Allan, both armed to the teeth
With bullets strung across them like a mistletoe wreath
At the helm Captain Nemo, two swords at his sides,
Stood calmly and took in each pair of bright eyes
"Well I know you are restless," the wise captain said,
"But remember, act wisely and do not lose your head.
The man we perceive as intruder this night
May, in fact, not be evil, so please do what's right."

He then turned to Allan, who, with a nod
Grunted, "Let's show that devil just which foot is shod."
Sawyer opened the hatch, quiet as a small flea
And they all tiptoed out on the deck silently
In the moonlight their grim foe was made all too clear
A squat, little man with a rather large rear.
"This is he?" whispered Mina with some disbelief
"Are you sure, Mr. Q? He doesn't look like a thief
Or at all unsavory," Mrs. Harker went on,
"If he's a stowaway, then this can wait until dawn."

But the man straightened up and turned menacingly
A rifle in his hand for all there to see!
That settled it! "Get him!" Allan Q. loudly bellowed
And you should have seen the ruckus that followed
The League had closed in and almost come to blows
When "Hey, stop!" Sawyer shouted, "It's just Santa Claus!"

Then our heroes retreated as quick as they'd come
Leaving Santa unharmed, but trembling, and numb
The jolly old elf's plump face was sheet-white
And he shouted, "You didn't half give me a fright!"
"Is this how you freaks always greet Christmas guests?!"
Said Skinner, "Sorry, mate, we're a bit of a mess.
We all feel right useless, and on top of that
Mina's quite thirsty; Alan can't find his hat
Jekyll keeps twitching and Sawyer's lonely
I'm a bit of a hair-trigger also, you see.
So tempers are high and we're sorry we snapped-
Say, what are those presents so prettily wrapped?"

Santa, now reminded again of his mission
Bent over the little sleigh's back left partiton
From his bag he pulled packages (five in all,
And none of them shaped like a toy or a doll)
These he passed 'round, still slightly grumbling
And as he did so, he set to mumbling

"A new coat for Skinner; the old one's quite worn
Clothes also for Jekyll to replace what he's torn
For Mina, a journal and several new beakers
For Sawyer, some boots (because there aren't yet sneakers)
Nemo, here are blueprints drawn by Da Vinci
This gun is for you, sir; now I'll take my leave."

And shoving the rifle in Quartermaine's hand
In no small hurry he took off, bound for land
Grumbling, once he knew that they couldn't hear
"You're all getting coal in your stockings next year."

Tis the night after Christmas; the corridors ring
With much hustle, bustle, hurry, and shouting
For some blackguard declared war on England this week
And the country once more needs its lovable freaks
But there is a moral here, yet to be told,
In this story that features our heroes so bold
When the Gents are all bored with nothing to do
Don't come near the good ship, or heaven help you.